Friday, June 6, 2008

Men Troubles

I swore that I was not going to blog anymore for the day.  I was just planning on checking out some blogs that I had been meaning to read.  It seems that image controversy finds me where ever I go. On blog after blog authored by black women, I see the same whine, over and over again.  It seems that there is a man shortage, and black women are scared to end up alone in their senior years.  There are many posts dedicated to why this happening. It has been suggested that the high incarceration rate of black men is a factor, black males dating inter-racially, as well as the typical "ball busting" characteristics of the black female... my answer... STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT.

Let's look at a myspace commentary that typifies the lamentations that can be found on the net.

"Have we lost our ability to be soft and feminine and submit? We are in the lead and in charge when it comes to business, and with our kids, but when we get home, we have forgotten how to take off our mental pants. Ladies, we can be bossy and overbearing. And for the record, I'm talking about those good men who are really trying. Some men will give up their bachelorhood to be with one woman. I'm talking about those men."

Since black women were brought on this continent in chains we have never been given the luxury of being "soft".  We have been the ultimate un-woman. We lead because that is how we have been able to survive in a world that has proven to be predatory.  The whole idea that gender can be split into one dominant and one submissive belies the fact that these are social constructions, and are not "natural" characteristics of either gender.  We experience gender in a state of flux therefore each sex takes on characteristics of dominance, and submission.  To request that black women submit in order to empower the black male patriarchy eschews the vitality of female agency. Yeah lets all stand and clap our hands, and celebrate that men will agree to lower themselves to marry. Of course they don't benefit from marriage in anyway.  They are only entering the institution (note: the fact that marriage is an institution should scare any sane person) out of a true desire to be magnanimous.  They don't live longer when they are married right?  They don't get a live in housekeeper, nanny, cook, and built in sexual release? How many damn buttons, and hems do we have to fix before we acknowledge that men benefit far more than women do from marriage?

Nowadays, we run the show because we think we've had to. And then we find that having a boyfriend or husband means we have to share our power. Most times we want what we want and don't budge, so we end up alone - when being alone is the very thing we dread. WE are our own worst enemies. Being alone does not mean being lonely, but if your are lonely . . . well.

If you are lonely buy a good vibrator.  Trojan has a good one on the market now I hear.  2AA batteries and it can find a clitoris every single time without you having to say over to the left sweetie, or faking an orgasm just because it is enough already, and  fragile egos need to be preserved.  How about joining a book club, and widening your horizons.  A man no matter how wonderful cannot, and should not be the total focus of any womans life. As for sharing my power, you can forget it.  This world is no friend to 'woman' as it is.  The minute you let your guard down you will be exploited, and or marginalized.  To say that it is okay for the sake of love, is to deny that women deserve to respected.  A man that is sure of himself would never demand anyone to reduce themselves so that he could feel validated.

Submissive means to temper our assertiveness with softness. I'm still learning this even though I've known this for years. It takes focused effort. We need to be ourselves, but also stop and check to see if what we're doing is working. If it's not, perhaps WE can change.

What dictionary did you find that definition of submissive in?  Let's check a neutral source...just so that everyone sees that I can play fair. Merriam Webster Dictionary defines submit as :1 a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something <had to submit to surgery>2: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.  This is your advice to women?  Turn yourself into a black stepford wife, and you too will get to live the white picket fence 1.2 children lifestyle.  Yeah!!! Just don't ever have another original thought in your mind for as long as you can manage to keep your marriage away from the relationship counselors office.  Don't worry if you cannot take it, you can always get your family doctor to load you up with Prozac to numb your natural inclinations to rebel.  Whooa now bessy remember your place....don't want to be a spinster now do you?  Never mind the fact that you can buy your own damn gold have to keep up with jonses and submit...pop a few more pills, and think of the joys of carpooling, and mandatory once a week sex night.

WE are modern women. Though if we keep saying we don't need a man, we won't have one.

That is just the point...WE DON'T NEED A MAN. We may want men in our lives but there is a difference between want and need.  If you don't know that, I don't want to see your bank book.  To enter into a relationship should be a free and autonomous decision. It should not be based on fulfilling social expectations.  Changing who you are to wear some blood diamond engagement ring, followed by the gold symbol of slavery wedding band is ridiculous.  No one can truly be happy under those terms.


Ebony Intuition said...

Wow, I agree, I really do .

"If you are lonely buy a good vibrator. Trojan has a good one on the market now I hear."

Lol hilarious..

"How about joining a book club, and widening your horizons. "

Exactly, there's so much out there that this world has to offer, learn, study, travel, meet new people, experience life and cultures.

"A man that is sure of himself would never demand anyone to reduce themselves so that he could feel validated."

100% agree

"To enter into a relationship should be a free and autonomous decision. It should not be based on fulfilling social expectations. Changing who you are to wear some blood diamond engagement ring, followed by the gold symbol of slavery wedding band is ridiculous. No one can truly be happy under those terms."


toddsschneider said...

You present two extremes, yours and your adversaries'. This is a false dichotomy. I don't want to deconstruct every point raised just now. However, between submission, and dominance, there is compromise with integrity.

Renee said...

My position is hardly extreme. I want women to question their relationships and not blindly submit because this is what they have been socialized to do. If a relationship cannot be equal it cannot be called a relationship.

SjP said...

I agree 100% with you and Ebony! Todd is obviously a man...don't hold that against him:>). SjP

Kala Nation said...

Who ever wrote that myspace piece was on the money.It is unfortunate that some women are participating in the destruction of the black community by believing they dont need a man.Again 80% of females problems is between their legs and in inability to control it or submit to one GOOD MAN for life.

Renee said...

Kala want me to believe that you are not sexist right? Keep making commentary like that you almost have me convinced.

Kala Nation said...

That is not being sexist.If a woman wants to be independent fine but lets not make other women feel insecure or wrong because she is willing to be a traditional woman.If you do it your way then let other women feel they cant surrender to a relationship not a man there is a difference.

Renee said...

When you make a comment like, "80% of females problems is between their legs and in inability to control it or submit to one GOOD MAN for life"
it is most certainly sexist. Anytime one gender is being privileged over another it is a sexist statement.

My point is that women should think before acting. Just because something is "traditional" does not mean that it will make you happy. BTW tradition most often favors the man and so it comes as no surprise to me that this is the basis of your argument.

Kala Nation said...

Obeying the law,paying taxes,and working does not make one happy but it is an obligation we all know we must do.In the end I think too many so called feminist are only interested in short term pleasure not long term responsibility.Your last remark just proved my point.

Renee said...

many people derive pleasure from working as well as satisfaction knowing that there tax dollars go to support the system within which they are making wild assumptions again.

Are you saying that it is a womans obligation to submit to a man? I don't want to put words in your mouth, I would just like you to clarify your statement. I also would like to know what your issue is with me advising women to make decisions based on what will make them happy? Why should anyone settle longterm in an unhappy relationship? Do you propose that kind of solution for men as well?

Octogalore said...

Renee, I don't think your position is extreme AT ALL. Major kudos. Anyone who babbles on at you about "happy mediums" just wants you to question your convictions. Which make perfect sense.

I am not part of the black community, but feel that anyone who accuses you of "participating in the destruction of the black community by believing they [you] don't need a man" is a hypocrite.

Not "needing" doesn't mean not "wanting." It means being secure on ones own, not incapable of a healthy relationship, and in fact MORE capable of one than someone who needs someone else to feel whole.

The person accusing you of participating in destruction is likely not willing to admit that he "needs" a woman.

Personally, I think there are a lot more bustable balls than ball busting.

Anonymous said...


You said in your profile that "My truth may not be your truth, but I intend to speak it nonetheless"; but yet it seems that you HAVE to have the last word when someone voices their opinion, that you don't agree, about your column. Honestly, your feministic views are no different (or any lessor) than that of a chauvinoust or a racist. All of which are still responsible of spreading ignorance and discord through out society in their own subtle fashion. By the way, I am a black man.

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