Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Relationship Advice: Colluders Strike Again

Regular readers know that I have an obsession with colluders. Those women that work on behalf of patriarchy, undermining the success of women just push me right over the edge. While they are busy advocating submission they seem to have forgotten which team they are actually playing on. Be careful what you advocate colluders, because the societal order that you are pushing will eventually apply to you.

Colluders often support patriarchy by pushing a submissive role for women in heterosexual relationships. They think that we will be blind to this submission because they couch it in the "how to get a man" discourse. Let us put aside the argument that all women are desperately in search of a man for fulfillment and look at some of the common suggestions that are offered. I had the misfortune to stumble across The Divine Caroline and her "Top 10: What Every Man Loves In A Woman."

You are an independent woman, not a clinger.

Men love it when you include them in your life, but do not make them your life. Keep your gym routine, your friends, your family and make sure you never let him see you sweat if he can’t make it. Your life goes on with or without him; and if you act like this, you will never be without him!

So far so good Caroline. Yes women should always keep their own identity regardless of their status of single or engaged.

You are sexy, hot, but not slutty.

That’s right, men like it when you turn the head of every guy in the room, as long as you are on his arm and let everyone know it. Don’t ever flirt with his guy friends, and always make sure you let him know he’s the apple of your eye.

Don't you dare step out of line. Make sure that your sexuality conforms to what he finds acceptable otherwise you are a dirty slut. Even though you may be stunningly attractive, it is important that he not feel the threat of competition for your attention. The male ego is fragile, and it is your job to continually prop it up. He needs to be sure that his girlfriend (read:possession) is sufficiently obedient. Any sign of autonomy will be viewed as traitors and desirous of the slut label.

You remember to do the little things, just like you did in the beginning.

You don’t expect him to take you out to dinner every night, a home cooked meal is always a nice surprise. You surprise him with his favourite Starbucks drink when he gets up in the morning. And, you never, ever forget those special occasions: Superbowl Sunday, NCCA Final Four and the NBA finals!

Notice how the home cooked meal is the job of the woman. A man may purchase your faithfulness and allegiance but you a mere woman must return the favour by dutiful servitude in the household. Most of all make sure that his interests are a top priority, because anything that might get your attention is necessarily unimportant and trivial anyway.

You let him pursue you.

The Geico commercials have it right, there are still cavemen out there and they love the hunt. That means: don’t call him first, don’t text, and don’t try to find where he is going to be. If he wants to see you, nothing will stand in his way…nothing.

This of course falls under the category of don't be slutty. You may have desires all of your own, but it is your job to make sure that he feels the thrill of conquest. A woman is to be conquered by a man thus setting the correct tone for her future role of complete submission of will. The more people perform essentialist gender roles the better for society anyway. It worked for June and Ward Cleaver, so it can work for you. Forget that they were a TV couple and that the 50's domesticity wasn't as idyllic as presented. Remember the movie Field of Dreams..."if you build it they will come"

You never utter the words “where is this going?”

We call those “The Final Four.” Enough said. Let him dictate the pace of the relationship. If you don’t, you will forever be asking that question.

Now this is absolutely a vital piece of advice. Only the man can set the terms of the relationship and decide if he will honour you with the presentation of the gold ring. Don't think about the fact that you are wasting your time with someone that won't commit, eventually he will reward you for you obedience and patience. Remember you always give your pet dog a treat when he does a trick and hopefully the same will apply to you, if you cross your little fingers.

You demand respect.

This is not just for your guy, it is also for yourself. That means you don’t sleep with a man on the first date, or even the second. You wait until you know the time is right. And if he is the right kind of guy, he will wait too.

Of course respect can only be gained by monitoring your sexual activity. This again falls under the don't be a slut category. The more chaste and pure that you are, the greater the chance that you will be rewarded with your new slave name in marriage. Remember sex only happens on his terms.

You impose a two-drink maximum on yourself when you go out.

No man likes a sloppy drunk party girl. Those girls are fun to play with, not to stay with.

Decorum and propriety are an absolute necessity in a future wife. He of course may drink as much, and at any time without arising a sense of anger in you. Anger of course is another unattractive female emotion.

You never humiliate him in front of friends, family, or co-workers.

Ever been standing between that couple who likes to throw cutting remarks at one another? It’s not only uncomfortable for third parties, it’s damaging all around. Avoid being those people, be loving, kind and never try to degrade a man for a cheap laugh.

This one falls under making sure the male ego is always supported. Of course he cannot take a joke at his expense made by you. It would signify to the world cannot control his woman. If he cannot control you that would mean that *gasp* you are equals. No real man is the equal of a woman. King of the jungle remember.

Watch your language.

That means let him take the lead when it comes to words like: puppies, babies and marriage. Take those words out of your vocabulary, at least until you are wearing the ring.

Don't talk about your future goals, as that might scare the poor baby off. Better to present a dishonest image of yourself so that you can have the honour of wearing "the dress and train". Heaven forbid that he understand that you are interested in more than sharing a sports illustrated magazine subscription together.

You say yes.

That’s right, the sex doesn’t go away once you get the guy. There is nothing more frustrating to a man than a woman who is sexual in the beginning, and then uses it as a weapon. Make sure you don’t play games.

Don't ever have a headache or feel the least bit disinterested in sex. It is your job to make sure he achieves his mandatory 3x a week orgasm. Remember he didn't commit to a relationship with you to masturbate. Keep the penis dancing, and it keeps the man delighted. That is why God put a cum receptacle between your legs in the first place. It certainly isn't about your sexual satisfaction.

Okay colluders I will be sure to avoid all of your relationship advice because once again it is based on suppressing my agency and autonomy to "catch" a man. The way to happiness is not in the complete submission in everything about me that makes me who I am. At the end of the day, if a relationship means the loss of personal identity it is not really a relationship, it is rather a slave and master contract wherein the man rules without question. Given a choice between owning the yolk of oppression in my private life and the buzzing of a vibrator I think that a little self love is certainly a choice that would make me happier.


lindabeth said...

good post. I really H-ATE these kinds of articles!

julie said...

It is funny you bring this up.

We have a documentary tomorrow night on this. Women who are submissive. But the women on our doco even put toothpaste on the man's toothbrush.

For me: I want for us to be real. Not pretend one way or the other. To find middle ground.

And I think there is enough of us men and women out there to do it.

Db0 said...

Oh Gawds, What a horrible mentality to have. In all honesty, I would never want to have such a woman as a partner.

PS: It was a bit difficult to tell what part of the text was quotes and what was your own commentary. Perhaps using quotes or making the text italic?

DiosaNegra1967 said...

y'know...this is the stuff i believe keeps us (men and women) from truly moving forward....

basically we're either "mommy" or a "ho"....take your pick....

i'm so damn tired of hearing about the fragile male ego....what about our feelings? (sorry, went off on a 70's style tangent)

oh, that's right....we don't have any....

AAW said...

LOL! This is my first time knowing the meaning of "colluders." Interesting! A lot of these rules seem archaic.

Yes, I believe in the power of the pursuit but that doesn't mean I can't strike up a conversation first. One of my lady friends (at the beginning of our friendship) found it surprising (she was very conservative) when I could just start up a conversation with a cute guy. I was like "I'm not trying to sleep with him . . . I'm just talking." Since then she's come out of her shell (a little bit).

brotherkomrade said...

I loved that post. Thank you.