Sunday, August 3, 2008

No More Penis Envy

image Freud would positively love this webpage.  Yes, secretly all women are just dying to be able to pee standing up.  All of our lives we watched our brothers and fathers pee against trees and felt inadequate, but now through the wonder of modern  technology we can be just as "good as the boys."

Now that we can stand along side the men we won't have to face the dangers that come with squatting. Finally technology has found a way to counteract our defective female bodies.  Is anyone else suddenly feeling liberated and free?

The new pseudo penises are so small and convenient that they fit in a purse.image Imagine that, the joy of two worlds coming together so beautifully, a penis and traditional female luggage. So along with carting a ton of useless shit that we really don't need, as well as  the crap our boyfriends, or husbands ask us to put in there, we can carry around our new dicks.

Think of the freedom that this new convenience will lead to. There will be no image more squatting over dirty toilet seats.  But even more important than that, there will be no more long line ups to use the bathroom.  Instead of going in pairs to the facilities we can grab our girlfriend and visit the nearest bush with the confidence that our new dicks will make it an easy and possibly fun experience.  Have I mentioned that we will be able to pee standing up?  The overwhelming joy of finally being the equal of a man in a pissing contest, is something I have dreamed about since I discovered that I was born a deformed male. If only Freud were alive today to see his theory of penis envy proved true as we rush out to buy what nature has deprived us of. Between a strap on dildo and this latest concoction women are are finding ways to overcome the disability of being born with a vagina.  Now if only we could find a way to fake a cum shot, the world would be completely equal.

Thanks to the new disposable dick, there will be no need to demand that establishments keep cleaner bathrooms and make sure  that there is toilet paper in each stall.  There will be no need to ask for more facilities so that women don't have to wait in such long lines.  The new female dick will ensure that women finally will no longer be in need of "special privileges". 

Women only make 70 cents for every dollar that a man makesimage but spending $4.50 Canadian to achieve this new equality seems worth it doesn't it?  So when your boss asks you to make coffee or calls you sweetie, you can whip your new dick out of your purse and demand he treat you like the man you have always wanted to be.   Just ignore the breasts and the ovaries, that plastic peeing dick will make you a "legitimate man" in the eyes of patriarchy. Don't forget to revert to a woman when you return home. It is important that you continue to do more household labour than your husband and spread your legs on command.  It is important to remember that while you may be seeking equality, the capitalist system is still highly dependent on free female labour. Lets face it we can only push this equality thing so far.  For now though we can all celebrate the fact that female equality has take a huge leap forward with this wondrous product.  One small leak for woman, one large piss for womankind...ahhhh someone point me towards the nearest urinal.


19 comments:

Scott said...

And damnit don't forget to lift and then lower the seat!!

Scott said...

oh and honey, the day you can deliver the money shot is the day I wear googles! I hear that shit stings when it gets in the eye!

Rachel said...

I have to say, I've reviewed one of these products at my place, and I don't see it so much as penis envy, but as potentially making some difficult situations easier. I like to go camping - I don't like trying to gather up all my fabric and squat in the woods. Yeah, it would be nice if outdoor/portable toilets at concerts and other events were sparkling clean, but as long as they're not going to be... It also occurred to me that something like this could have been useful for my mom after her hip replacement, when lowering herself up and down was a huge (and literal) pain. Maybe it would be helpful in other post-op or limited mobility situations as well.

Larry Geater said...

OHHH NOOOO you have taken away our only advantage!!!

Coolred38 said...

All things being equal...soon as men experience cramping(and not from excessive over eating)and get to enjoy the sensational feeling of having a hard pillow stuffed between ur legs for days on end...then we can talk equal....btw...if we didnt get the added joy of squatting over filthy toilets we would also miss the poetic and sometimes thought provoking remarks etched into bathroom stall walls. Some of my more "aha" moments came while doing a number one in some run down disgusting bathroom behind a gas station or some such place. And to think...I could have missed it if I had just pissed on the wall outside.

Lindsay said...

I'm all about the squatting. I don't need a fake dick to pee outside or a port-a-potty.

monanotlisa said...

I grinned reading your article, but as for that device itself, I applaud its design & availability -- as a kid, I went hiking, a lot, and also squatted down in nettles. A lot. As an adult, someone crashed into me and broke my first vertebra, sending me to hospital and rehab clinics. How did my friend Jen put it? So much lying on the back, so little fun. Afterwards, I could stand, yes, but not sit, so one of these would have come in very hand-y, indeed, pun intended.

.:m-e-g-g-o:. said...

for real...these things are awesome.

but if you're wanting to have one that is reusable and environmentally friendly (not to mention sanitary) check out these ones:
http://www.kristascups.com/pstyle

Paul the Spud said...

I just wanted to point out that for F to M trans folks, devices like these are indispensable, not only for passing, but psychologically, it's amazing how much it can do for self-esteem.

Renee said...

@Paul you make an excellent point and I concur that in this situation these devices are wonderful, however as this product is marketed at CIS women specifically I find it problematic. I certainly main no offense to trans men. I should have made a clarifying statement at the beginning of the post rather than relying on position as an a ally to assert that belief. Thank you for pointing it out and I will be more careful of the language that I use in the future.

Paul the Spud said...

I hope you didn't think I was attempting to scold you, Renee! :) Yes, they are marketed at cisgendered women specifically which IS problematic. And since the marketing and "having a penis = wonderful" was, after all, the point of your post, I wasn't upset that trans folks weren't mentioned; I just thought I'd bring that up as food for thought.

Renee said...

@Paul no I didn't feel scolded at all...just a failure I recognized on my part. I have just begun to speak out as a trans ally and so the language I use is still filled with far more privilege than I would like. It is a work in progress for me and when I become aware of a mistake that I have made I am determined to acknowledge it so as not to repeat the same behavior pattern. I really appreciated the commentary from you.

Takahe said...

@Larry: INDEED!

Archivist said...

And don't forget to work much longer hours than the women, and don't forget to be confined to be nothing more than the "breadwinner" and only a secondary parent (because that's what the wife wants) whilst the women initiate 70% of all divorces and automatically get the kids and has us thrown in jail if we miss inflated child support payments most of us can't afford. Such privilege! Whoopee!

cyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cyn said...

The other day I was at an anarcho-comunist-feminist-whatever bookstore on the Lower East Side. I knew their radical postures were nothing but a pose when:

1.- They gave me funny looks when I bought Fat Chicks Rule.(Seriously? Am I more hardcore and outrageous than The Little Red Book?)
2.- They sold the P-Mate.

I was surprised they didn't sell the Mammy Thimble nor clothes from American Apparel. If they didn't do the latter is because the store was a few blocks away, with one hell of a Photoshop Disasterous billboard.

wkiernan said...

Ah, what a crappy product. Oh sure, you can pee with it. But can you think with it like I do with mine?

Amelia said...

I love you for writing this. Excellent.

catrinaz said...

most women can accomplish peeing standing up without such a device anyway, if they really want to. it's a fine skill to have, and easy to learn.

i, too, am offended by the assumption that being able to "do it like a man" is better.