Friday, February 6, 2009

Dear Americans

I was elated to learn that Obamas first state visit is to Canada.  We, your maple syrup swilling Canadian neighbours have taken a huge liking to him.  It was my hope that he would address parliament and perhaps make a public statement but it seems he has get in and get out policy.  This saddens me as I had thought about taking the children to see him.  As you well know, our pitbull in a sweater vest, otherwise known as Harper is far from inspirational.  When I consider who Obama would have to break bread with, I completely understand why he just wants to get out of town.  Having spent a bit of time with George Bush, sitting down with his idiot clone could hardly have been an appealing option.

At any rate, the purpose of this post is to offer a proposal. For once, we can have a fair trade between our two countries.  We are willing to put on the table,  a lifetimes supply of maple syrup, turbot, and Tim Hortons as well as the province of Alberta, two free skating lessons, Peter Mansbridge and Prime Minister Harper for Barack Obama.  He does not have to be a naturalized citizen to be Prime Minister and I am sure Cannuck citizenship could be rushed through. I don’t know what you will use Harper for other than as a doorstop but keeping him is a deal breaker.

Should you decide not to accept this offer we will just continue with our less than stealth like invasion.  I know that you view us as your pinko, peace loving, socialist neighbours to the North but we have slowly been invading.  If we can sneak a hockey team into the desert (Phoenix Coyotes) imagine what will be possible, when all of our secret military bases (read: Tim Hortons franchises) become operational.  Yes indeed there is something inside that coffee.  Timmys is our path to global domination.

Before you know it, you will all be saying eh…wistfully getting cravings for poutine and saying tabernac with the best of them.  So sip sip sip away at the coffee.  Slowly but surely your world view will change, and suddenly Don Cherry will seem like a national hero, and you will become convinced that Ben Mulroney is cuter than Ryan Seacrest.  All of those years ago when we sent Alex Trebec over in the guise of annoying game show host,  you blindly ignored the threat.  He is our non human android figure set once again on red and white domination; annoyingly correcting your grammar and pronunciation with a head full of more useless data than seems humanly possible, 5 nights a week he has been sending subliminal messages through the tv screen.  Resistance is futile my Yankee cousins. 

If you are wondering why I am revealing states secrets now, it is because the fix is in.  It may have taken us generations but in the words of Stewie victory is ours.  If you do not willingly relinquish Obama, we shall be forced to make him watch hockey, hopped up on Timmys until he capitulates to our icy, pot smoking, peace loving demands.  A challenge has been issued, what say you?

No comments: