Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Once Again We Need To Talk

I am going to take tomorrow off and maybe more, I haven't planned any further yet.  I normally blog Mon-Fri very steadily, but I need a break and there are several reasons for this.

When someone decides to honour us with a guest post, the least we could do is not call her a "Brown Bitch" and attempt to silence her voice.  If you don't like a guest poster, don't read their work. I have invited her into my virtual home and it embarrasses me that I even have to write a comment like this. Guest Posters add a unique perspective to Womanist Musings and we should be thanking them for their contributions.

The negative comments and hate mail reached a super nova level this weekend.  I get hate mail every single day.  It is not always from the random douche and it hurts.

The expectations placed upon me are sometimes beyond ridiculous.  Even if I were to have 48 instead of 24 hours in a day, I could never meet this commitment. For every 20 hate letters I get, I don't even get one saying good job Renee, or I appreciate that you took the time.

I am not speaking for all WOC nor have I ever pretended to.  The opinions expressed by me are just that, informed opinions.  Don't turn me into your magic negro. Maybe just maybe, it is because I trusted and respected these women, and maybe just maybe, it comes from a place of pain and hurt. But why even bother to think that way when some other nefarious intent can be implied.  I don't need to be interpreted, I am fairly plain spoken.

Don't come at me like you have unbiased opinion because guess what, we all have biases. If I have had a run in with you, and don't like you, you can bet it will reflect in whatever I have to say about you from that time on.  (in case you're  wondering, that is specifically for you BlackAmazon, I don't want or need your fucking support. Maybe you can use my anger to beg for donations for your trip)

Don't come at me on twitter and demand I recognize you and accuse me of showing a lack of solidarity because I did not see, or answer your tweet.  I follow over 3K people okay, and if I missed you, it probably wasn't intentional, but why give me the benefit of the doubt after over two years on the internet. This is also not the best way to get me to promote your work.

I fuck up.  I am going to fuck up again, it is only a matter of time.  I am learning PUBLICLY and that means there is a record of each and every time I have made a mistake, but what I don't need is someone dragging up shit that happened over a year ago and slapping me in the face with it.  Your closets are no cleaner than mine.

Also, I am sick and tired of being called, racist, homophobic, sexist, ableist, and cissexist.  The entire purpose of this blog was to give space to people that have been marginalized -- lofty goal I know.  Sometimes I talk about things outside of my experience and I make mistakes, but does this make me any of these labels?  It makes me someone who is trying to make my way in this world.

Don't act like I am not entitled to MY hurt and MY pain or MY anger.

Stop acting like you don't hold bloggers to a higher standard than you do people in real life.  I have not only seen this with my self, but with countless other bloggers.  

Don't accuse me of silencing your bullshit.  I have one of the loosest commenting policies in the woman identified blogosphere.  If I think I am right I am going to defend my position, but that does not mean that you are not free to disagree with me. People who happen to agree with me are not sycophants and I personally resent that. 

Instead of thinking of ways that you can take, how about thinking of ways that you can give.  My e-mail is overflowing with requests to highlight this event or that event.  People make requests of me and don't have the decency to say hello how are you first.  Would you walk up to a stranger on the street and say I want this or I want that before you say hey, nice to meet you or how's it going?

Finally, this space may be safe for you, but it sure as hell is not safe for me.  I put in over 12 (largely unpaid) hours a day on this blog, and to be so unappreciated and attacked, really makes me want to rethink my whole relationship with blogging.  There are days when I wonder why the hell I didn't start a safe little blog about television.

I am taking this break because I realized that when Monday came, I really didn't want to blog.  This space that I created is safe for many people, but it isn't safe for me.  It is gotten so bad that I can barely stutter shut the fuck up troll.   I am at a breaking point.  It makes me feel vulnerable to say that but it is the truth.  I want this space to exist.  I want to continue to have great conversations with you and most importantly I want to continue to learn.  I have applied so many of the lessons learned her to mothering my children and interacting with the world.  The abuse has got to stop though.  It has to stop. 

Editors Note:I write that I am vulnerable and hurting, and some of you cannot wait to stick a knife and twist right into me.  I am adding this note which is a comment I left in the thread for the purposes of clarification.  It highlights the point I made about good faith because some of you clearly don't know what it means.

To those of you agreeing with 1984 thanks for your support. Keep in mind that 1984 has been trolling this blog for months. There is a distinction between telling someone what you said was sexist, ableist, homophobbic etc and you are the aforementioned, but let's not make that distinction at all because it is better to attack people wholesale. This why you don't hear me say ALL white people are racist and instead I talk about Whiteness.

Here is other thing, many people digging at me have an axe to grind and I rightfully don't trust them. If I am in a conversation with Sparky for instance, and he says to me, Renee you have to rethink what you said, you are damn right I am going to take what he says to heart. If Monica of TransGriot says Renee that was pretty cissexist, you are damn right I am going to apologize without pretense and try to learn immediately. But I don't trust the drive by blows when each day in either comments or e-mails I get called, cunt, nigger, fat bitch. told to die, told my children should be taken from me, and all the other little pleasant platitudes. So when I am talking to someone I don't trust, you better believe that distinction is important. I get called out plenty, just as I call out plenty, because I don't avoid the hard conversations and I learn each and every time.

Did it make you all feel better to engage in that little call out? Did it make you all feel better to sit and question even after I said yes I fuck up in that thread? Did it even occur to you that some of the attacks aimed at me are because I black disabled female and speak my damn mind. No one wants to stop for one moment to consider the gotcha politics of blogging. No, I don't mind a call out cause I want to learn, but I damn well have to trust the source after the abuse. 

I won't be back to this thread until I take some time, enjoy your bashing of me. And thank you  to those of you who left kind words.