Thursday, July 15, 2010

Go Ahead and Step to Me, It's Time to Talk Sex

I have a friend that has a large dildo collection, in fact she has favorite brands (and no, that is not some euphemism for me)  At any rate, it made me think about the way that we dance around talking about sex.  She is explicit and never filled with shame for anything she says or does.  Quite often when we discuss sex, it has to do with consent and while I fully believe that this is an important conversation, I sometimes think that we are short changing ourselves.  It is very rare that we talk about it in a way that suggests we own our sexuality or about carnal desires, because as empowered as we are, there is still so much shame attached to this. 

I am usually quite frank about what I like and why.  I know what turns me on and I am absolutely done with over thinking my sexuality.  To some degree this is a luxury that comes with being a het cis woman and I completely recognize that -- but I also believe that as women, we are so often subject to slut shaming that having explicit conversations about sex is considered inappropriate. I think that this is especially true if you are a woman of colour.  The slut shaming aimed at Bey Bey is absolutely ridiculous and yet a man can get on a stage and shake his ass for the world while looking at women carnally, and this is absolutely appropriate.  If you are a woman lust is an absolute no no.  Justin Timberlake can sing that he is bringing sexy back with the refrain get your sexy going, and it is not the least bit problematic; try having these same lyrics coming from a female star without someone having something negative to say.

We slut shame the Black women that perform in rap videos, but we are all about accepting female agency right?   Yeah, I know that they are props for the male rap stars and that the lyrics are sometimes very misogynistic, but choice means that we don't always agree with the result.  In fact, just being sexual for a woman of colour in a public space is taking a huge risk, because we have historically been considered animals that exist for the pleasure of men. It is a double standard and it is ridiculous.  Heterosexual White male sexuality in particular is seen as a very positive thing.  They are expected to want sex and seek it out -- and it is the job of the woman to deny, turning sexuality into a ridiculous cat and mouse game that gives men the impression of conquering women.

While I sure as hell don't want to be conquered, this does not mean I don't enjoy a little dominance from time to time. But of course, real empowered women have no such desires right.  Let me tell you, if that was the case, the current flurry over everything Skaarsgard (back your shit up, this one is ALL MINE) would not exist.  It does not mean that there is something essential about female sexuality that makes us want to be dominated, but that in the right circumstances, this can be very appealing.  I would climb that man like a pole to stick my tongue down his throat with no regrets.

I named this post, "Go Ahead and Step to Me," because that is my approach to my sexuality now.  I could give a flying fart what anyone thinks about it -- and when I want to engage in sex, I have no problem telling my partner in no uncertain terms that this is what I want, or this is what I need.  Furthermore, if I have to tap him on the shoulder and say over to the left, that is exactly what is going to happen.  I am entitled to my orgasms and frankly, they feel far too good to engage in false modesty.  Part of the reason I like talking with my scandalous girlfriend is her ability to be so explicit.  Sharing ideas is a large part of how we learn and yet when it comes to sex, we are expected to be silent and accept our shitty sex lives for what they are.  Communication with your lover as well as shared experience with others is what leads to good sex.  We are currently engaged in g-spot and female ejaculation conversations because I have yet to find mine or experience female ejaculation.Yet, we encourage people not to talk and not share in the false belief that fantasies reveal some twisted perversion; however, fantasies are probably pretty common across the board.  If something turns your crank, you can  pretty much be certain that someone somewhere wants it too and is worried about growing hair on their palms for their so-called kink.

That is another thing, can we please just call a kink a kink. I stumbled across Christian Domestic Discipline the other day and I have to be honest, I ended up laughing my ass off.  Yes, there is some serious misogyny going on; however, there is a real denial that these people have an honest to goodness kink that in and of itself is not problematic.  Drop the whole God wants me to spank my wife thing and just admit that it gives you a hard on.  If you are buying special crotchless underwear for the procedure, that is because there is a sexual element to it. It really stood out to me as an example of how far we will go to deny our sexuality even in supposedly "God ordained," socially accepted relationships. People, it's sex, not a nuclear bomb.  It's not toxic and with the exception of asexual people, we all want it.

I obviously am not a trained sexologist, but I would really love to have an honest conversation about sex for a  change.  What turns you on and why?  Use fake names if necessary, but what sexual fantasy are you afraid to share?  Also, I know that we are supposed to be politically correct and avoid talking about bodies, but what physical characteristics excite you.  This post is open to people of all sexualities, even though I wrote it from a het point of view.  I did so because that is my sexuality, and it is not appropriate for me to discuss the turn ons of those that don't share my sexuality.