Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunday Shame: The Worst Betrayal of Womankind Evah!

My unhusband really is a sweetheart.  After I got sick, he completely picked up the slack.  He grocery shops, cleans and unfortunately cooks.  I think by now his disasters in the kitchen have become epic.  Often before dinner, I will announce on Twitter what he is making for dinner, and ask people to pray for the safety of our stomachs.   I have put the television on the Foodnetwork in the hope that he will pick up a few tips from the chefs there, and so far I have had no luck.  I can forgive all of this because I know that he is genuinely trying to take care of the family. The kids have become experts in pushing food around their plates pretending to have eaten it.  We all do what we must.

This week I have yet another food related sin to share with you.  I do believe that this amounts to the worst betrayal of womankind evah! This loving and caring man, hurt me more than words can say.  He ate my coffee crisp while I was on period.  Let me say that again, so that the gravity of the situation can be realized.  I was on my period last week, and instead of being the sensitive and caring partner that I have become accustomed to, he ate my emergency chocolate.

When he walked out of the kitchen with my half eaten chocolate bar in his hands, to my credit I didn't immediately become violent.  I calmly explained to him that I was on my period, and that for his own safety he needed to stop eating my chocolate bar immediately.  Do you know what he did?  Well, do you?  I'll tell you what he didn't do: he didn't  drop to his knees weeping copiously at his betrayal, begging for my forgiveness. This man who claims to love me more than anything else in the world, continued eating my chocolate, while I was on my period damn it, saying that I would, "get over it."  Well I have not gotten over it.  How can I get over it? Yes, I am throwing a tantrum like a two year old, but did I mention that I was on my period when the unhusband decided it was okay to eat my chocolate?  I tried calmly explaining to him that what's his is mine and what's mine is mine.  This arrangement has worked well for us for twenty years, and I see no reason to change it now.  But ooooooh no, as I was officially registering my complaint, with his clearly uncalled for behaviour, the unhusband stood there and finished my chocolate bar.

I remembered all of the kung foo movies I have ever seen, and thought about going all Black ninja on his ass, but then I realized that in my current physical shape, that it probably wouldn't go very well for me. And after all, why break the long standing pattern of the unhusband being the one with egg on his face. So dear readers, I am plotting my revenge. I don't know when it will happen, and I don't know when the opportunity will arise, but a penalty must be delivered to reset the balance of my formerly happy home.

I eat his cooking without complaint (okay without complaining loudly), and I tolerated that he brought the vile instrument aka the slap chop into my home. Did you know since getting that monstrosity, he asks me at least once a day how I "like his nuts?"   I even listen when he goes on about how much he loves the graty (the silly cheese grater that comes the with slap shop).  So, as you can see, I am clearly the victim in this situation.  With all that I have to put up with, eating my chocolate while I was on my period crossed the line. In fact, it almost rises to the level of undivorce for his insensitivity.  Somehow, for the sake of the children, I shall struggled onward in the good night, for now is the winter of my discontent.  Okay, so maybe I am being a tad bit dramatic, but if you had been wronged to the level that I have, I am sure you would understand the level of my disenchantment rage.

The unhusband seems to feel that you will pick his side in this, because after all, it was only a chocolate bar; however, I am certain dear wonderful readers that you shall not betray the relationship we have built these last two years by supporting his chocolate thievery during my period.  While you are rightfully taking my side against the unhusband's tyranny, feel free to share what wrong doing your partner or roommate has done recently.  We might as well air all the dirty laundry at once.