Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Biblical Marriage Is Not As Straight Forward as it Seems

Apparently, the following video is a bit dated, but I think that it makes a great point about the bible and marriage.  Unfortunately, even though the bible is filled with issues may people seem to take great pleasure in cherry picking passages to support their various biases.  You pick a crime and I am quite sure that you can find some biblical passage to justify it.  Though I have taken on the label of Christian, I absolutely abhor the way that the bible has been used to hurt others.  I don't believe that this is the message that we are meant to take from it, nor do I believe that a book which was written and translated several times by man to be the inerrant word of God.

In Canada, same sex marriage is legal but there are places around the globe where this freedom is just a dream.  In nations that are largely Christian the bible is routinely sited as evidence of it's supposed unnatural nature; however few give real thought to the marriages described in the bible.  Faith does not mean losing the ability to see what is right before your eyes and it should certainly not mean policing others into submission.  Faith should mean love and acceptance but since there are those that simply cannot see that, I feel whenever possible we should look at what is actually contained in the bible.

Here's a well known fact, all you unsaved trash out there have no idea what constitutes a bible based marriage and here's a little known secret; neither do Christians.  And that is why the lord has called upon me, Americas best Christian to teach all of you his definition of marriage.  Pay close attention because he is rather inventive.  In the beginning of times, say 6000 years ago, God created one man and one woman.  They had two children, they both had penises.  You might inquisitively ask Lord, if Adam and Eve only had boys where did the grandchildren come from?  Trust me you're not going to like his answer.  A bible based marriage is between one man, one woman and the son she seduces after he's killed his only brother.  A family that slays and lays together stays together. 

True story, Abraham the father of three faiths, two of them rubbish married his sister.  As if that wasn't slutty enough, slutty sister Sarah invited Abraham to have sex with her maid -- someone named Hagar.  That's an appalling butch name. A bible based marriage is between one man, his sister and the help.  Goodness me lord; the help, doing the help. I don't even speak to mine.

Quick what's the Lords favourite way to punish a man who rapes an unmarried virgin?  Anyone?  Marriage yes a bible based marriage is between one woman and her rapist. Mazeltov 

Remember how God turned Lot's wife into a pillar of kosher salt?  So a bible based marriage can sometimes be between one man and a kitchen condiment.  Bon appetite 

So what do you do if your run out of close relatives or servants to marry?  The rather crafty lord has a fabulous tip, just drive over to the nearest town and murder everyone who either has a penis or has seen one and then just round up all the virgins who are left.  Of course you don't need to take a big truck if you try this in say America.  A bible based marriage is between one man, a gal who's kidnapped and raped right after her brother, father mother and slutty sister are slaughtered.  Remember in the bible it's not rape if the man says I do.

King David has a fabulous selection of wives and a harem absolutely chocked full of  athletic concubines who the lord had raped by David's son because the lord was in a snit over that trouble making tramp Bathsheba.  A bible based marriage is between a man, a woman and another woman, and another woman, a few more woman and a pack of raped whores. 

In a galling show of oneupsmanship, Daivid's son Solomon had 700 wives and because God loves to round up 300 concubines -- which are really just live in whores.  A bible based marriage is between one man ad frankly enough booty to make a Mormon compound seem quaintly under staffed. 

So what do you do when you can't afford even one wife much less a pack of in house hookers but you still have your heart set on having a son?  Well the lord truly suggests that you inveigle a slave into violating your daughter - viola problem solved.  A bible based marriage is between one man, daddy' s little girl and the slave that daddy hired to rape her.  Try getting a Hallmark card for that.

The whole concept of marriage bored bachelor Jesus to tears.  Other than encouraging his buddies to abandon his wives about all Jesus said on the subject all Jesus said was once you do it, no running off to Babylon to get a divorce.  So clearly in the bible you can have as many wives as you want just as long as you have them all at once.

So let's recap the lord's idea of the perfect marriage it is between  one man and his sister and her rapist, kitchen condiment, gal who's kidnapped and raped, a few more women and a pack of raped whores, 700 wives, 300 hundred wives and a son who has murdered his brother. But it is not between one man and another man because that would be immoral.  

Survey says hat 4 out of 5 evangelicals believe that marriage is sacred.

So, what are your thoughts on marriage and can we really trust a biblical interpretation?