Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It's Time to Stage an Axe Intervention

 If you have been following me on twitter, you are well aware of my absolute hatred of Axe.   Though I have given my otherwise bright unhusband bottles of good cologne, he insists on using Axe.  The noxious fumes he releases every time he sprays Axe is just an assault to the senses.  He believes that his "good cologne" is not for every day, whereas; I believe it is always a good day to smell nice. I have told the unhusband to stay out of the garden for fear that just being around him will cause the flowers to wilt.  Let me say for the record that there is nothing about Axe that is even remotely good, even though he is convinced that the women at work sniff him and swoon.  I know, I know.  If they are swooning, it is because the stench is so strong that they are fighting the urge to pass out.

He recently escalated what I have come to call our Axe wars by purchasing Axe shampoo.  I didn't even know they made shampoo until he brought it home.  Now every inch of the guy I love is going to stink.  Yes I said it - stink.  I have surreptitiously thrown out the occasional can, only to find it replaced two or even threefold, because apparently a man needs options for his quality of stink each day.   I think if they had Axe toothpaste he would use it.  Not only does he love their products, he loves their commercials.  For some reason they seem to bring out the juvenile side of his nature.  Keep in mind that he is older than cheese, but somehow the ridiculous college humor and or tagline sucks him in every time. I found the following video over at Danny's Corner of the Universe.

Does it get more ridiculous than that?  Use Axe and women will want to play with your balls.  Axe is so amazing that it can even rejuvenate balls.  I am not saying that I am a fan of the disgusting smell of sweaty testicles, but honestly -- can dousing them in Axe really smell any better?

I decided to write this post because clearly a public service announcement is needed by those ridiculous men who insist in soaking themselves in this noxious scent -- because it is cheap and they think it smells good.  All of you need an intervention.  Commercials are created to sell you a product and do not necessarily portray the truth.  Presenting your Axe coated testicles to your girlfriend, is probably going to have the opposite of the desired effect.  In fact, the very idea that all you need do, to get someone to agree to have sex with you, is to have sweet smelling balls -- is proof that you have a lot to learn about women and sex.  I cannot speak for other women, but should I come across genitals reeking of Axe, I am quite positive it would lead to the cessation of any possibility of sex. Did I make that clear enough for you unhusband?

Did you ever notice that they don't seem to market their product to gay men?  Don't gay men want to smell nice?   I am sure that a large part of the reason is the rampant heterosexism and the belief that all gay men have good taste and fashion sense.  See gay men, this is one time, dare I say, that a stereotype is working in your favor. I believe that Axe knows that gay men are way to smart to be dipping their testicles in this hot mess.  BTW, never did I thought I would be writing about the testicles of a gay man, but I guess stranger things have happened.

I think that some kind of intervention needs to be staged against the men that will not walk away from Axe.  For the sake of those of us with a sense of smell, we must create some sort of support group to deal with the pain that is being inflicted upon us.   I know I am not alone in this, and I say Axe haters of the world unite!!!!