Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's Hard Out There For a Poly, Pansexual POC...

 Dan Waters is a snarky 22 year old queer biracial wonderment who is part White, Portuguese, and Native American (Wampanoag-Kiowa). He currently lives in Massachusetts, and plans to become a Lawyer. That is, if he can survive Algonquin language classes and polyamorous dating right now! He also identifies as Two Spirit, and prefers male pronouns, but cherishes his female body that he was given graciously by the Creator. He blogs at Identity Exposure.

So, readers. I am single! That means dating, clubs, and cute boys buying me pink drinks, right?

Actually, I prefer a quieter scene, I only drink fairly rarely, and how can I screen guys effectively when 90% of the ones being shoved at me are white both locally and online?

As some of you may remember, I announced that I am not dating white folks anymore. I made the decision after giving a long thought to the most effective way to cut down on the amount of race fails I get nearly every time.

But here’s the thing. How can I exercise this when all the dating websites I am on keep showing me guys that are white? 90% of my “immediate matches” are white, and my “quick matches” are also all white. And I know that some of you are like “Well they may be pale like you, Dan!” but I go and check (by using anonymous viewing features) and they are in fact white, since their self-identification on the little quick-info sheet on their profile says as much.

When I contacted the website to ask if there was some sort of filter for this, I basically got a “stop being racist” remark and this:
COPIED DIRECTLY FROM EMAIL: [To ensure not being sued, none of the websites are mentioned]

“…perhaps then you’d find your interests and needs met by race-specific websites like black-on-black dating, or fetish sites.”

FETISH sites? REALLY? And since when did I say I was black, Mr. Corporate Email? I gave you username information and a simple look would show I am listed as “Native American, Other”.

So here’s also ANOTHER factor that has to come in my screening process: I’m trans*/two spirit, and because websites still refuse to acknowledge it, I am listed as “male”. I get tons of straight-bi-curious guys basically using me as an easy means to transition into “real dudes” (or they assume I am an MTF), and hate mail from others calling me “tranny”, “slut munch” and “red nigger” to just list a few.

And I’m polyamorous! So I either have to give the Poly 101 speech to whomever I am quick messaging, or I wait until they ask and nearly half say they are “cool with it” (which, only 12% really are) and the other half call me a slut. For those of you who don’t know (and didn’t bother to click the link), polyamory means I date numerous people and all are aware of each other. Typically, I have two relationships going on at the most. I typically find myself in either two categories: V (where one person dates two people, who are not dating each other), or a triad (where three people are all dating one another).

AND I AM PANSEXUAL! While I predominately date male-identified (or bodied) folk, I do date women. And while this ups some of my pool to choose from, I am stuck in a conservative city where there is very little to no Anti-Racism/Anti-Oppression work being done and the LGBTQ scene is something to be (less than) desired.

I’m supposed to be enjoying my time in singledom, but it seems all is wasted with a day like this (Note: This is based on what I actually experienced within this week):

9:00 AM Wake Up. Check Facebook, get message from friend about their friend being single, check their FB profile to see if a blind date is worth it…and find out they enjoy smoking weed more than reading a book.

9:30 AM Go back to bed.

1:00 PM Wake up a second time, moderate comments on blogs.

1:30 PM Open up dating website 1, check messages. Some are hate mail. Self-esteem shrinks just a little. One message from cute guy from Boston you’ve been bantering with back and forth (but he doesn’t want relationships, so keeping it friendly).

1:35 PM Open dating website 2, get a message from a prospective guy that lives very close by (like, a city over), and find out he’s into scat and filth play and is Islamophobic…slowly click the delete button.

1:40 PM Dating website 3, chatting with friends online at same time, and find no hits and no matches.

2:00 PM Meet up friends for coffee, avoiding the racist dialogue and trying to flirt with an obvious (by obvious, I mean he’s wearing a necklace with the symbol/logo) bisexual guy at the counter and find out he’s married and co-owns the place with his wife. Promptly head desks (mentally).

5:00 PM Back home, repeat dating website browsing, and snark with friends.

2:00 AM Bed.