Spring means many things: flowers, the end of winner, the beginning of life etc., There is however, a phenomenon that few talk about – missions. Spring in the city of Niagara Falls means missions because we have a temple in the city. Each year young Mormons leave Utah and travel around the world in an attempt to spread the Mormon faith. You could be sitting on your porch having a perfectly good time, when suddenly your peace is shattered by the sound of someone wanting to offer you the book of Mormon.
I think that people are entitled to their religious beliefs, but it becomes a problem when they decide to go out and actually seek converts. When it comes to the Mormon faith, it is multiplied because of their extremely active homophobia, as well as racism. One year I told them that my partner only had one spouse and that we’re therefor not the kind of couple they were seeking. Of course, they were upset and tried to convince me otherwise, but I told them about Bountiful B.C. I know that there is a difference between FLDS and LDS, but I was hoping to offend them enough so that they would start skipping my home. It was wishful thinking, because the next year hordes of them were back pestering me.
The next year, I opened the door and before me were to two beautiful young White women. Of course, they had their Book of Mormon and immediately began to minister to me. When I asked why they wanted to convert me from my faith to theirs, I was told, that it was important to realize that God had sent prophets that had not been included in the bible. I now that what has been included in the bible was voted on, and that there are many texts that were ignored, for instance, the Gospel According Mary Magdalene, but my faith does not extend to people like Brigham Young and John Smith. How could it, when they so specifically hated Black people? I informed them that they may have fooled Gladys Knight, but most Blacks are will aware of how their religion denigrated us. They immediately went into denial, and I told them to read their own religious book, with a view of examining how it upheld White supremacy and sent them on their way.
I have tried a few different approaches over the years, but they still keep coming back. This year, I have gone as far as thinking I would tell them that I was satanist, like my father in law used to do when Jehovah’s witnesses would knock on this door. I know that if I hit them with the fact that they are homophobic, it will bring them back next year. What I need is a foolproof plan to scare them off permanently. I swear that it is easier to get rid of vermin, than it is to get rid of Mormons. So readers, what do you think I should say this year to get myself put on the do not bother list?