1) Canadians are blessed with super patience. When I am not putting up with comments about attack beavers and sexy mounties, some people (I am looking at you Sparky) threaten international incidents by daring to suggest Tim Hortons is not the best coffee shop franchise ever. Then you have comments from the
peanut gallery fly over state dwelling Tami, who is steadfastly refusing to be assimilated. She continues to take sides with a red coat (yeah, cause it’s smart to wear bright colour during war) over me, even though Canada is America’s largest trading partner. I have a good mind to write a letter to the PM, demanding that we refuse to let them have a drop of our Canadian ambrosia – maple syrup. I have also been asked if we have racoons in Canada, as well corrected Allison McCarthy’s false idea that our anthem is Oh Canada my Canada. Allison at one time also believed that the capitol of Canada is Toronto, and so I was forced to give her a geography lesson. I also had to deal with the shenanigans of Holly Ord, who promptly had a fit when I explained that milk sometimes comes in plastic bags. I deal with the challenges of Americans and the English with much grace. Why? Because I am Canadian damn it.
2) Many of the popular shows and movies aired in North America have been filmed in Toronto, or Vancouver. It seems that directors have figured out that showing an icon like the CN Tower is a bad idea, but oddly believe that no one is going to miss restaurants like Sai Woo, one of the most recognizable Chinese restaurants in Toronto.
3) Canada is a bilingual country, which is a bonus to those of us who enjoy multiple cultures and cussing in two languages. I can say Tabernak, Crisse, Ta Gueule, Ca me fait chier and Casse-toi with the best of them.
4) Americans are forced to deal with Ryan Seacrest, and Canadians have Ben Mulroney. I hate to root for a Mulroney in anything, but when it comes down to it, he is less annoying and has a bigger chin.
5) Canadians are one of the few Western countries that can convincingly sell the lie that we are peaceful, that is until a hockey game is involved. When Vancouver rioted recently, many didn’t know that Canadians had it in us. Now you know why the Atlanta Thrashers are moving to Winnipeg. When it comes to hockey, we will not be denied, unless of course you are a Leafs fan.
6) Canadians are also a classy group of people. Only in Canada, is ketchup considered legitimately to be gravy. In If I Had a Million Dollars, The Barenaked Ladies sang about Dijon ketchup. Mmmm, who wouldn’t love that? Canadians love ketchup so much, we have ketchup chips. Speaking of chips, some people and by that I mean Sparky, really need to learn the difference between a chip and french fries.
7) Canadians are also a crafty group of people. We are so smart that we have a tendency to export those who annoy us the most, or did you think it was an accident that Alex Tribeck haughtily corrects accents and pronunciation 5 nights a week on Jeopardy and Bieber is annoying parents on a global scale? No, you cannot give either of them back. And yes, we intend to keep Drake and Michael Bublé.
8) We may not have much of an air force to speak of, but we do have the Canada Geese, and if you mess with us, we are not afraid to have them do a fly by poopie. If need be, we can also add a squadron of lumberjacks, attack beavers, and two or three Black mounties.
9) Over the years I have heard a lot of commentary from Americans and uppity British Colonialists (not saying any names, because Cannucks are kind) about the fact that Canadians say eh. Eh is very much associated with our polite nature, and it is much better than huh, you don’t say, tut tut, or as you do. For you naysayers, I do believe that the urban dictionary settles the issue.
An interjection popular in Canadian speech. According to linguists, a “politeness marker.”
Adding “eh” to a sentence can indicate the speaker’s willingness to accept dissent or to invite further discussion. Has been referred to as an “articulated question mark.”the proud Canadian saying for basically anything like right?, do you?, isn’t it, etc.
(and as a t-shirt said: why do Canadians say ‘EH’? B/C IT’S BETTER THAN SAYING ‘HUH’)
Personally, I wish people would pick up the phrase double double. It always gets me that I actually have to say two cream, two sugar the moment I cross the border. That’s what happens when you enter Starbucks world and ordering a coffee is more complicated than learning to drive a car.
10) Finally since I live in the armpit of Canada, otherwise known as Niagara Falls, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that the Canadian side has the best view of the falls. I know that some wrong thinking Americans believe that their side outshines ours, but that is only because they are looking at us. Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, even mother nature is on our side.
Once again, I think that I have made my point about how amazing Canada is, and since it’s our birthday, I think it’s time we get down to talking gifts. By gifts, I certainly don’t mean sending you Americans our amazing bacon, or you British real maple syrup, (unless of course you copiously beg for our generosity) no, I mean what the world can do for us.
Since many Americans are not happy with Obama, I suggest you hand him over and in exchange, we will give you The Right Dishonorable Stephen Harper. I would also like to propose the engagement of Alberta and Texas. As a dowry, Canada is more than willing to provide you with all of the conservative jackasses you will ever need. And finally to the British, please skip Charles and go straight to his son William (Besides, I don’t see why we should be stuck with
that camel Camilla as queen). Since we still have your monarchy on our money, I don’t see how we could fit Charles in without those ears covering the beautiful images of wildlife, that we have on our currency.
Okay, I’m out to drink and eat bbq, but before I go, just know that there is no need to hit the malt liquor Monica, one day, with hope, prayer and hard work (you know, pulling up those bootstraps your politicians are always talking about), Americans might be half as cool as Canadians.