Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Children Have Successfully Hired a Lawyer

'Bloody Lawyers & Woe Unto You, Lawyers' photo (c) 2011, k763 - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/


There is a social myth that children keep young, but I am here to tell you that the exact opposite is true.  Last night, the unhusband was hiding on the porch eating an ice cream cone.  I knew that the unhusband was up to something, because he had been gone so long, and I was certain that he had abandoned me to the children. When I went outside, I saw the sweetest little kitty.  He came right up to me and started circling my legs and meowing.  When I bent down to pet him, he began to purr and I fell in love.

We have a lot of stray and outdoor cats in the neighbourhood and I didn't recognize him as one.  When I really looked at him, I saw that his long hair was beautifully brushed and that what I assumed was a lot of fur, was really masking a very fat cat.  I decided that we should bring him in for the night because he was gentle, sweet and clearly someone's pet.  The unhusband was very much against this situation, and only capitulated under protest, when the children accused him of being heartless.

Destruction brought the kitty into our home.  We had to put poor Sookie in the kennel, because she was overly excited about the cat.  I told the children that tomorrow, we would go around the neighbourhood and look to see if we could find a poster about a missing cat, and that if we found the owner, that we would return the cat.  This of course led to questions about what we would do if we could not find an owner for the cat.  I then told them that we would call the humane society, because our local shelter has a no kill policy.


As you might imagine, this did not go down well.  They want to keep the cat and have already started thinking about names.  They want to name the cat Lovey, because he really is an affectionate sweetie.  When I said no to this, because I really don't want another animal in the house, and only took the cat in because I didn't feel it was right to leave him outside, they decided to consult a lawyer, and by that I mean cajole Sparky into arguing their case.  Though he rejected their previous offer of employment, it seems that they have determined that he will work for candy, and they have more than enough to keep him happy.

You would think that Sparky, as a fellow adult would side with us, but at the offer of candy, he was more than willing to work on their behalf.  He spent the rest of the conversation telling me how Lovey would become a member of the family, and that in three weeks he would be so ingrained into our family life, that we would be unable to bring him to the shelter.  When I continually denied the truth of this, he asked me to list Lovey's positive qualities.  I felt like I was under oath, and being treated as a hostile witness.  Oh he tried to be charming, but I was well aware at this point that he was working for the enemy.

I have the feeling that until we find Lovey's real home, that there will be unrelenting pressure to keep him.  That will teach me to show pity to lost animals. As for Sparky, I thought that one only gets the legal representation that one can afford.  Considering that the children are only offering to pay in candy, how can he be so dedicated to their cause?  Shouldn't he have been busy over charging someone?  I bet that even as I write this, he is looking up some obscure precedent to seal my doom.

Let this be a warning to all parents, never introduce your children to a lawyer. This is the second time that they have sought to secure Sparky's services.  Eventually, your child's interactions with a lawyer will come back to haunt you, and you will quickly be on the defense.  Children are crafty little people, and they will take every single advantage that they can.  Fellow parents, you have been warned.